He ain't heavy, he's my brother

A year ago, on this date, I lost my brother.
I still remember that day, I was out with my friends when my mom called, asking me to come home.
My dad was already at the hospital taking care of him.
At that time he had been there for almost 2 weeks.
On our way there, I had a disturbing feeling that something was wrong.
Somehow I knew that something bad had happened.
It was raining heavily & it felt like forever for us (my mom, sister & myself) to get there.
Once there, we saw a few nurses hurdled around his bed.
Thinking they were just doing routine check up, I took a seat nearby & did my own thing.
Then, mom who went up to check on him, slowly walked toward me & my sister.
She was calm when she said 'your brother's gone' without a tear in her eyes that for a second there, I thought she was joking.
My sis & I looked at each other, still in disbelief but finally the reality dawned on us when we looked at his lifeless body on the hospital bed.
My brother passed away & I wasn't there to say my goodbye.
I was crying so hard I only managed to send text messages to my families & friends.
When they called back, I was talking in between sobs with tears streaming down my face.
Then I managed to calm down when I saw my parents, thinking I should stay strong for them but later cried again while I drove back home alone in the rain.

Truth to be told, my brother and I, we didn't get along very well.
We once did before he started being 'sick.'
He was a good looking, soft spoken, intelligent guy.
He played in the school band, he was a prefect, loved by everyone & the future seem so bright for him.
Until 1993 when he started to change.
He wasn't himself most of the time, claimed he's seeing & hearing things.
His health deteriorated but after undergoing both modern & traditional treatments, he was a little better.
His weight yoyo-ed between anorexic thin to morbidly obese which later became the cause of his death: he was diabetic.
His actions was also the same.
One time he was calm, another, enraged & erupted like volcano.
With him, it's like living with a ticking time bomb.
He acted violently sometimes at the parents, my sister & myself.
Even tried committed suicide but thank God he failed.
Life was definitely hard when he was around.
And through out the years we've grown further & further apart.
But as much as I hoped that I had a different brother & when I said I hated him to his face, I was hating the person he had become because of that one person who made him that way.
I know that deep down inside he's still the same brother that I once knew & loved.
That's why I still feel the guilt of not visiting him as much as I could during his stay at the hospital & for not being there by his side when he took his last breath.

Bang,
Even though it's been a year, sometimes I still feel like u're still here with us.
That u're just sleeping in ur room upstairs or out to town with dad just like u always did.
Hopefully u're doing great where u are now & don't worry we all doing just fine here.
I want to apologize for all the hurtful things I've said to u & I'm also sorry for not being a good sister who should have understood ur condition.
I'm sorry.
Until we meet again, our prayers is always with u.
Al Fatihah.

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