Between Expectations and Reality

"When are you going to have a baby? (Insert name here) just gave birth. U got married before her didn't u?"

"It's almost 2 years right? How come u're still not pregnant?"

On good days i just smiled & answered, "Belum rezeki."
On bad days, I swear I've murdered them a few times in my head, still with a smile on my face.
What? You expect everyone to get it right on the first try?
The nerve of some people.

To be honest, during early months of marriage, I wanted to conceive so bad that any signs of nausea or a little lightheadedness will send me running to the toilet to get my UPT done.
And each and everytime it's negative.
Couldn't help but break down and cry a little inside.

'Was it because I'm overweight making me infertile?'

'Or because my menstrual cycle is irregular so the timing was always off?'

'What did we do wrong?'

All kinds of questions in my head.
I was so caught up with the idea of being a mother that I felt worthless & I have let everyone especially my husband down when I didn't.

That depressed feeling lasted for months.
In which I looked for strength in any form that I could to not let it go over my head and got worse.
Love from my husband & prayers helped but I needed more.
I wanted reassurance, something I can hold on to.
Then I came across THAT something.
It's a saying that goes;

"Allah never promised that every married couple will have children of their own".

That sentence really got me thinking.
Who are we to question God's plan?
If I am meant to be a mother, I will be.
If not now, maybe later.
But if I'm not, there's nothing I could do about it.
Children are REZEKI from Allah, maybe ours is in other forms.
He always knows what's best for everybody.
And I am holding on to that.

I can't deny the feeling of jealousy I have towards those with children.
Especially those who made making babies look so easy, like they are not even trying.
At times when I'm alone, I rub my empty belly and just imagine how it feels to have a life living inside me.
I just hope one day I don't have to imagine it anymore.
But for now, I should concentrate on being a better wife.
I may not be a mother but I am my own person, this is my life & I should not let others make me feel less of a woman.